When I was young, in fact even until recent years, I had always thought that making people like me was part of what we had to do, universally.
I recently realised that in order for someone to like you, you just have to show up. I don't have to buy the drinks, or be hilarious all the time, or say mean things about someone else to find common ground, I just literally have to turn up.
There are times when I am going to meet someone like a job interview and that doesn't happen often because I have my dream job, but recently it did. So my fears I call my demon, and my aura or energy I call my smoke. Before I went into this meeting I told my demon I loved him but he needs to shut up for this meeting and if he meets the other people's demon's he is to be kind to them and he can make friends. My smoke I told to be itself and carry on being wonderful.
Kind words to myself have come after years of negative self talk, anxiety, and guilt over really stupid things.
What I have realised this year is every single human has something in their past that they are ashamed of, and everyone has a demon. There have been times in my life where my shit was so messy and up in the air, that I had no control over whom I told what to, people would ask how I was and the verbal crap would start falling out of my gob and the next thing it has been ten mins and I could see on their faces that they felt really uncomfortable. What I call this state is 'mid processing'. It comes from a painful situation not being dealt with or years of pain. I dealt with my bollocks by having counselling and writing. Often for women to deal with something they have to say the pain out loud or write the pain, I think often we feel like we need to give advice around sources of pain, but the very act of taking the pain or shame out of the body via writing or saying, or painting, and no one responding negatively or telling you you should do something is healing.
For example, I can say out loud 'when I was married I feel I was a shit wife', if I am responded to with 'no you weren't that invalidates my feelings(demon) albeit smooths my ego (smoke), if someone says 'honestly do not let yourself feel like that', they are trying to be kind. The absolute kindest thing someone can say is 'it's ok you feel like that', no real reaction. You took the pain out of your body, no one judged it and no one reacted like they were uncomfortable with your words.
For some people this isn't groundbreaking info, for others who are the fixers in life, it might be a weird concept to discuss. But after years of sitting with women's pain I think the very action of sitting back and allowing them to take their demons from behind their backs, bring them out in front of them and say the thing they feel ashamed of, it is like taking the demons power away. And when the demons power starts to shrink the beautiful energy of the smoke is allowed to grow.
Apologies for the waffle, once I start writing daily it will be more organised.......
